Holiday Policy Language: Thanksgiving 2018 edition

Since Thanksgiving is this week, I feel compelled to thank you for reading this blog. I have to thank one person in particular for talking (volun-telling?) me into writing this blog. When I started, I didn’t know what direction it would take and some days I’m still not sure what direction to go. So thank you for being patient with me as I write whatever comes to my mind.

Speaking of whatever comes to my mind, it came to mind that it’s time for holiday policy language: Thanksgiving edition. Here I go again with policy language that might fit someone’s Thanksgiving situation. NOTE: Remember, this is all in fun.

DINNER CONVERSATION OPTIONAL COVERAGE

If the “Dinner Conversation” box is checked on the declarations page, and a limit is chosen for this coverage, there is limited coverage for “bodily injury” and “property damage” related to “dinner conversation”.

In this optional coverage, “dinner conversation” includes any topic brought up at the “adult table” while dinner is being served, except:

1. Any conversation that started before an announcement that dinner is served, or other way of gathering guests to the “adult table.”
2. Any conversation about SEC football, the college football playoffs, or can’t we just leave the TV on in case something big happens in the game.
3. Any conversation about any person (or animal) at the “kids’ table.”
4. Any topic of conversation brought up by your obnoxious uncle (this term doesn’t require definition because everyone knows which uncle we mean, and if you don’t have one, it might be you, sorry…).

As it relates to this optional coverage, “bodily injury” does not include:

1. Any “bodily injury” inflicted by one insured on another insured with the intent that the “bodily injury” is meant to stop that insured from bringing up a “dangerous topic”, or to stop that insured from continuing any conversation related to any “dangerous topic”.
2. Any “bodily injury” that occurs when one insured ignores the “bodily injury” excluded in 1 above.
3. Any “relationship damage” that occurs when one insured ignores the “bodily injury” excluded in 1 above.

As it relates to this optional coverage, “property damage” does not include:

1. Any “property damage” that occurs when one insured ignores the “bodily injury” excluded in 1 above.
2. Any “property damage” related to any “relationship damage” that occurs when one insured ignores the “bodily injury” excluded in 1 above.

“Adult table” means that coveted space where the adults sit at Thanksgiving dinner. It is the place of adult conversation and mysterious laughter to those at the “kids’ table”. Once you are moved to the “adult table” it is impossible to return to the “kids’ table” no matter how childish you act.

“Kids’ table” means that table where most of the youngest (5-16-year-old) family members sit for Thanksgiving dinner. Some younger family members are required to eat in a high chair or on someone else’s lap. Most of the people who are sat there wish they could be at the “adult table” until they are allowed to sit at the “adult table”. Then they wish they could be anywhere else. This table is often shorter and smaller than the “adult table.” The food often arrives already cut up for those at the “kids’ table” even though “I’m 15 and I don’t need help eating, mom!!”

“Relationship damage” means any alteration of an interpersonal relationship that is caused by engaging in, starting, or at least not trying to avoid at all costs “dangerous topics” while at Thanksgiving dinner. This includes spending at least one night sleeping on the couch. “Relationship damage” also includes any statements such as,

1. “I’m never talking to you again,”
2. “I wish I never met you,”
3. “Your family’s crazy. Now I know where you get it,” or
4. Any other similar (or worse) statement that ends with someone storming away, driving away, running away, crying, shouting, or throwing things, and

any resulting conflict, argument, or counseling required to return the relationship to pre-Thanksgiving stability.

“Dangerous topic” means exactly what you think it means for your family. It would be foolish for us to try and figure out what you shouldn’t talk about at Thanksgiving because sometimes, we can’t figure it our for ourselves. “Dangerous topics” always include any topic that your parents, spouse, or significant other:

1. Warns you about before Thanksgiving.
2. Gives you that look when you mention it.
3. Pinches, hits, kicks, or otherwise inflicts “bodily injury” to get you to stop talking about.
4. Asks you to help in the kitchen when you mention it.

If you’ve gotten this far down the page, let me wish you the happiest of Thanksgiving celebrations and let me thank you again for reading these blog posts. I am aware that your time is short, and I pray that you get value from reading what I get to write.

Happy Thanksgiving.

PS – If you’re wondering, our menu includes: turkey (roasted or smoked), ham, cornbread dressing, green bean casserole, sweet potato souffle, mashed potatoes, gravy, canned cranberry jelly, cranberry relish from Publix, apple pie, pumpkin pie, and an egg nog pie.